Expert: When Your Teen Can’t Stand to Be Around You, This is What You Must Know
During Mental Health Awareness Month, one truth stands out for parents and grandparents navigating the teen years: no one prepares you for the moment when children who once melted your heart, smothering you with affection, suddenly act as if they can’t stand you.
As “I love you” moments turn into “You just don’t understand” moments, The Root sat down with a school psychologist, mom and podcaster Dr. Tiffany Baldwin-Graham for a straight-no-chaser conversation.
What “I Hate You” Really Means
Parent-teen conflict is rarely rooted in random defiance. According to Baldwin-Graham, “all behavior is meaningful,” and the primary culprit is often overstimulation. Combined with shifting hormones, this emotional overload complicates life for teens caught between craving independence and needing support, ultimately triggering a “fight-or-flight” response.
Consequently, teenage “crash outs” are frequently driven by underlying fear, shame, embarrassment and frustration. Her advice to parents is to understand what’s driving the behavior, rather than merely reacting to it.
Stop Asking “How Was Your Day?”
Unless you are content with dead-end answers, it’s time to retire the generic check-in. To uncover what is really happening, shift toward specific, open-ended questions. Baldwin-Graham suggests a “peaks and valleys” approach. Asking, “What was the peak of your day?” and “What was the valley of your day?” invites meaningful conversation.
Questions about what they ate for lunch, the bus ride or what happened in their favorite class can also reveal what their behavior is masking.
Timing is Everything
Well-intentioned questions can feel like an interrogation for children carrying emotional residue from the day. Baldwin-Graham suggests waiting for low-pressure moments; car rides are ideal because they do not require direct eye contact. Bedtime is another surprisingly productive window for conversation.
Don’t Match Energy
When a child is upset, Baldwin-Graham said parents should resist the urge to react with the same intensity. “You do not match their energy,” she said. As she put it, “You don’t put fire on fire to put it out.”
A key tip for parents is to avoid taking every hurtful comment personally. She explained that situations usually escalate when two emotional people are involved. The goal is for parents to model the calm they want to see.
Stand On Your No
Staying calm does not mean backing down. Baldwin-Graham notes that families can engage in “healthy discourse,” but that does not mean a child’s pushback will change the final outcome. Sometimes, simply hearing “no” is the most critical part of the lesson.
“Children can ask why. They can disagree respectfully. But [a parent can say], ‘My word is still going to stand,’” Baldwin-Graham advised, adding: “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” If a teen cannot challenge a decision respectfully, parents can pause the exchange and revisit it later.
In those moments, she suggests saying, “We’ll come back to that when you know how to ask the correct way.”
Gentle Parenting Has Limits
Many Black American parents are reexamining the parenting approaches they learned while trying to hold onto values such as structure, respect, and community care. As parenting styles continue to evolve, Baldwin-Graham notes that, “Gentle parenting is for gentle children,” and that parents must be honest with themselves about whether that is the best approach.
She also challenges overly punitive approaches. Referencing a phrase familiar in many Black households, Baldwin-Graham said “spare the rod” is about correction and protection, not punishment.
If a discipline strategy is not working, Baldwin-Graham says it does not mean the parent failed, it means the technique failed.
Old-School Connection Still Works
Some of Baldwin-Graham’s advice feels refreshingly old school. Spending time with elders, aunties, cousins, and “chosen family” can create space for Black families to return to intergenerational connection and belonging.
Replacing shopping trips with shared mealtimes, cooking lessons with grandma, or fishing trips with granddad is a simple way to put down devices and create everyday moments that build identity, strengthen emotional connection and help children feel supported.
Consider Therapy
Most children go through rough patches, and some last longer than others, according to Baldwin-Graham. Those difficulties alone do not automatically mean something is deeply wrong. But when there are major mood swings, safety concerns, school issues or police involvement, Baldwin-Graham says it’s time to seek help.
She urged parents not to fear therapy, evaluations, IEPs or school-based supports, acknowledging that some Black families may hesitate to involve outsiders. Medication may help some children, she said, but parents should not rush to it when therapy and behavior support may be appropriate starting points.
Connection Over Perfection
Baldwin-Graham’s most reassuring reminder may also be her simplest: “Parenting is not about perfection. It’s about connection.”
She added that good parents will make mistakes simply because they are trying. Parenting is not about getting every moment right, but about staying connected—even when your teen acts like your breathing is annoying.
