Expert: What to Say When Mother’s Day Hurts
Bouquets, brunches, and tributes are common ways to celebrate Mother’s Day, but for many, the day also brings grief, loneliness, and mixed emotions. In many Black families and communities, caregiving may go beyond biological motherhood, and the day can carry layers of loss tied to family, identity and unsatisfied expectations. Licensed clinical social worker Heather Collins shared tips with The Root on how to offer meaningful support. Her experience includes faith-based counseling and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. When it comes to supporting others experiencing grief during this holiday, Collins’ advice focuses on showing up consistently and being present.
Expand Your Definition of Loss
The heaviness of grief is often connected to mothers who’ve passed away, whether the loss occurred two days ago or two decades ago. However, Mother’s Day pain is not limited to losing a mother through death. In Black communities, loss can also be profound for grandmothers, aunties, godmothers, and other matriarchs who helped raise and nurture loved ones. True inclusion also means understanding that loss may also stem from estrangement, emotional or psychological absence, or the longing for a different relationship. Collins noted that for some people, “we begin to grieve the idea of what our society says motherhood looks like, and we grieve the loss of us not having that.”
Lead With Validation, Not Solutions
Support often begins with refusing to minimize someone’s pain. Collins said, “We don’t ever want to dismiss someone’s feelings.” Her advice is a reminder that grief is real, even if you don’t personally understand it. Sadness can be acknowledged without comparing experiences, dismissing emotions or searching for a “silver lining.”
Ask, Don’t Assume
Many want to help but misjudge someone’s needs. Collins emphasizes that part of “showing up” is recognizing that each person’s needs are unique. The best way to help is simple: just ask. “How can I support you in this time?” is a meaningful question that allows the grieving person to share whether they want company, space, practical help, or simply a listening ear.
Drop the ‘Be Strong’ Mandate
Collins notes that well-meaning language like “I’m praying for your strength” can unintentionally add pressure. Common comfort phrases may actually suggest that grief must be handled stoically. Instead, she recommends leading with permission and encouragement. For example, saying, “You have permission to feel, to cry, to scream,” creates room for honesty and vulnerability.
Extend an ‘Open-Ended’ Invite
People may hesitate to invite someone who is grieving, fearing they’re imposing. Collins cautions that this silence can feel like exclusion rather than respect for privacy. “Giving that opening invite allows people to make their own decision,” she says. Extend the invitation, send a message or call. Leave space for them to accept or decline. Either way, the gesture reminds them they are still thought about, included and valued.
