Lessons Black Men Need to Unlearn About Fatherhood

There is a scene at the end of “Higher Learning” that makes me think of Father’s Day. At the very end of the movie, after all the carnage has taken place, John Singleton puts a single word on screen: “Unlearn.” He is saying that America must unlearn the hateful ideas that divide us. A good idea that I think applies to our perspective on Black fatherhood.

Many believe Black fathers have little to no involvement in raising their sons and daughters. And I gotta be honest, there are too many Black boys and girls growing up without regular contact with their dads. But somewhere along the way, folks took a problem and turned it into a stereotype.

To hear some tell it, Black fatherhood and absenteeism are synonymous. They are not.

Over 70% of Black men help with bathing, diapering, and dressing their kids. What’s more, 78% of those men make it a point to share meals with their children every day, and over 40% help with homework. But beyond the numbers, even when Black fathers do not live with their children, they are showing up for parent-teacher conferences, doctor’s appointments, football games, and dance recitals. In 2026, the story of Black fatherhood is not one of absence. It is one of engagement and commitment.

Related: Why Obama’s Love For Michelle’s Mother Brought Him to Tears

But there is more to unlearn. And I’m not talking about stereotypes held by other folks. It’s what many Black men were taught about manhood, fatherhood, and how to treat women.

Those lessons came from a variety of places. Some of them came from fathers who sat us down and tried to teach us what it meant to be a man. Others came from uncles who thought they were passing down wisdom.

There’s only one problem. Not all of that wisdom was wise.

Some of the advice we received was not merely unhelpful. It was harmful. And if we are being honest, much of it is still being passed down today. Below are some of the most damaging things many Black men were taught about fatherhood that they need to unlearn.

Women Should Do the Cooking and Cleaning

One of the most damaging things that we learned was that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Men worked while women cooked, cleaned, and cared for the children.

To be fair, many of the men who taught us this were simply repeating what they had been taught. But just because that was the norm for previous generations does not mean we should repeat it.

Look, a healthy family is not one that is built on rigid roles centered on gender norms. It is built on partnership. Fatherhood is not just about bringing home a paycheck; it’s about sharing the responsibilities that come with raising children.

Never Show Emotion

One of the first lessons many boys (white or Black) learned was that ‘real men don’t cry.’ When we hurt ourselves and cried, we were told to toughen up. When something upset us, we were told to shake it off and keep moving.

The message was clear. Vulnerability was weakness.

For many Black men, that lesson became a prison. We understood that we needed to provide for our families, but we did not know how to communicate with them. The result is generations of Black men carrying burdens in silence. It took therapy for me to learn that good fathers do not just show strength, they show humanity.

Don’t Let Your Woman Get Out of Line

Many Black men were taught that one of their jobs was to make sure their partners never got “out of line.” And if you were raised in a Christian home, it was often communicated using Ephesians 5: 22 where the Bible says, ‘Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.’

No matter how it was communicated, the message was the same. The man was in charge of the relationship. And because of this lesson, many of us see disagreement as disrespect and independence as a threat. But a healthy relationship is not a dictatorship.

A strong woman is not a problem to be managed. She is a partner to be respected. Good fathers do not teach their sons that they need to control women. They teach them how to love and respect them.

While it is true that many Black fathers are doing better than stereotypes suggest, there is still more work that needs to be done. We must examine the lessons we inherited and ask whether they are helping or hurting us.

Some things we learned (like how to change a tire) should be passed down to our sons. Others need to end with us.

If we want to raise better sons, love our daughters well, and build healthier relationships, we must be willing to do what John Singleton suggested decades ago: Unlearn.